Worry

At the beginning of the year, a few friends posted on their blogs that a 2 year old girl named Tuesday had passed away from cancer. Occasionally I go to her blog and read the emotional posts by her mother, Jessica. Today while Levi took Gavin to the store and Carrigan napped, I read the entire blog from beginning to end. I could not rid myself of the lump in my throat and cried as Carrigan woke up from her nap. My heart has broken so many times for this family. I have given Gavin and Carrigan's cheeks the longest kisses, tearing up because Tuesday's mother will never have that joy again. They have lived all our nightmares.

After Gavin was born I was overwhelmed with the fear I would find him not breathing. When family & friends would hold him I would be knotted up inside that their shirt was covering his nose. I wanted to yank him from their arms. Gavin was at least 6 months before I slept with my back facing him. I wouldn't even lay on my back. If I found myself drifting off to sleep, I would wake myself up to check his breathing one more time. He stayed in his bassinet until he was too long to fit. He still to this day has not slept at night in a room alone. I couldn't take a shower without him in the bathroom with me, in his bouncer, and the shower curtain open just enough to see him. It was all out torture when I left him with Levi and his family to go to a movie when he was 4 months. I have never driven so fast to get home.

Now he is 2 and my worries have somewhat subsided. I still have fears his body will not be able to handle illness because he is so small. Doctors tell me to "push fluids" but that isn't possible with him. On his best day he drinks far less than a boy his age should. He eats mere bites at meals. His fevers get so high. He has a small freckle on his upper chest. It is raised. Freckles aren't raised. One more thing to worry about until his Dr appointment.

A few months ago one of Levi's Aunts made the comment, 'Oh, he can eat from a spoon?' in a surprised tone. Do people think something is wrong with him? Do they think he is developmentally slow because he is under weight? Do you? Well, he isn't. He is 100% tip top what a boy his age should be. Of course he can eat from a spoon.

I don't know why I worry about my boy. I don't worry about Carrigan. Levi and I joke that she is more "durable" than Gavin. Heck she took 3 steps yesterday. But Gavin did at 10 months, so why the big difference in feelings?

My dad passed away from cancer when I was 18. Is that why? Probably. Gavin has my dad's smile. My dad was tall and thin with the exact same blue eyes. Gavin has the Carson eyes... eyebrows and all. Gee, that's another thing. Why is he 2 with no eyebrows? Has anyone died from not having eyebrows? No. But I still worry.

I also wonder if this is all apart of the special Mother-Son relationship. I should start writing an apology to his future wife because he isn't going without a fight.

My child holds my heart. When he was a baby, I wrote down what to put on our tombstones if something were to happen. If he goes, I go. I found a poem and thought it fit perfectly. Crazy, I know.

Yes, crazy... I have wanted to write about my fears for my little boy for so long, but worried I would be viewed as the 'Loony Overprotective Mommy' if I did. I mean, some people even leave their tiny 2-3 month olds with family to go on vacation. To me, THEY are the crazy ones.

Oh, well. My baby boy is 2. I have had 2 years of the most beautiful, loving, precious, priceless moments of my life. His hugs are amazing. He cuddles like a dream. If I want to lay in bed and look out the window, so does he. He is what I call perfect. ---Then Carrigan came along and gave perfection some pizazz.


On a lighter note, it has been raining here. A Lot. We busted out the old Halloween Costume and had some Dinosaur fun. Just another plus to being a small 2 yr old. And as an added bonus I can still put him in his old baby clothes and say "Aww" all I like. Two days ago he wore 3-6 months shorts to Wal-mart. No sentimental value to them, they just fit.

And so what if he still has his paci. If Carrigan would take one, I'd let her keep it until she was 5. :)

Nothing better than a dinosaur and his dragon. Roar! His Roars are so cute. Poor Miss Carrigan couldn't see a thing! It was big brother to the rescue! Going out to terrorize the town, no doubt. I love my kids.